I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
