i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
