Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
