if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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