i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
