Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
