I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
