I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
