My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
