Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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