Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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