i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
