I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
