In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
