i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
