So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
