Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
