i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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