I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
