got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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