i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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