I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
