so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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