im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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