I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
