If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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