True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
