Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
