before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
