Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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