So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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