I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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