I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
