He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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