just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
