I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
