His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
