bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
