I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
