i permit you to call me
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
