There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
