I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
