having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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