I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
