Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize