You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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