yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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