he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
