K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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