My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
