my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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