Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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