i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
