I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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