If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
