GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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