I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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