I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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