I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
