He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
