I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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