Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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